agape is real, if nothing else is

the world is changing before my eyes. Obama.

i think that is enough to say about that, for now, but in my own microcosm - my job, my family, my friends, etc., there is an unsettling disconnect. i see the best people i know - loving, sincere, intelligent, giving folks who are struggling with every issue of life. that disturbs me. i told God how i feel and i know He hears me. that's all i can do about that and with faith that is enough.

so then there is work. i am pouring myself into my job and it seems like it is never enough for me. i meet mediocre standards, but i have finally realized that there is more that i can do, the organization should be doing, and definitely more that i must do for the disenfranchised masses right here in bham. i am the change that i want to see. yet, beyond my semi-self righteous do gooder attitude, save the world, peace, love and happiness sentimentality ( i joke on myself, but i am so serious), there is still an area outside of my spiritual, intellectual, artistic, financial, and professional growth in which i lack any direction or common sense...

romance, love, sex, dating, courtship...whatever the complex dance is called that men and women (and other assorted combinations of the sexes) engage in - just plain fucking befuddle me. and that is even an untrue statement, because i understand the complexity part, i just can't rationalize why it is so hard to connect with someone.

for the sake of knowledge: there are four love tasks: 1) to attract a mate; 2) to retain the mate; 3) to reproduce; and 4) parental investment. the primary love styles are: Eros - Love at first sight, based on physical attributes and mostly physical arousal; Storge - loving affection that develops over time and consists primarily of affection and commitment; Ludos - a rover and collector of loves, very pluralistic(i won't call his one what it really is...).

also there are the secondary love styles: Mania - intense preoccupation with the loved one, intense jealousy and possessiveness, need of constant reassurance of their partner's love. they project their own desired qualities on their partner (i don't believe this is a secondary style, but i am not a PhD yet...); Pragma - looking for a compatible partner; & Agape - selfless, caring without self interest (interestingly enough the best love, God's love is listed last - and in His infinite wisdom and understanding He said "the first shall be last...").

back to my over analyzing azz, i can't understand men. they say literally - i am too sexual, not freaky enough, too willing to please, too distant, too eager, too disengaged. i am bored of the games even though my daddy told me when i was twenty one years old that i was either going to play the game or get played. he hasn't lied to me yet. i want to just get into it. love someone with reckless abandon. smile when i hear his voice. feel my heart leap when our eyes meet. know his heart. hold his secrets and share his triumphs and pain. and i want it all back, reciprocation times 100%. that is what lies, like a 500lb. gorilla, on my heart tonight. tomorrow, however, i may not think about it. i have grad school stuff to complete, kids to help, a fledgling stylist career to boost, inauguration trip plans to make, bills to pay, family to call, & love to give to those who readily receive it. i may not even consider my yearning for someone to share all that i have to offer - fidelity, friendship, honesty, and passion, tomorrow.

i can wait for the fall...but i hope that the wait won't be very, very, very much longer. :)

until the next time i want to share sweethearts...peace & blessings,
dee