अ poem

If I chose you

Would it mean enough to you to be whatever it is that I needed you to be

Or would you choose self deprecating mediocrity as your fortress

As you did while seven and hiding beneath a blanket with a flashlight

If it was not easy

But require you to stop looking at others to tell you what you already know…

That there couldn't ever be another that would endure or securely hold you

And keep from your fear, self-loathing, and silent midnight weeping

So what does it take

To be supportive, submissive, sexual, Sapphic, silent, senseless

To ensure some semblance of relationship-type existence

With a man

And what is a man

A mythical creature, fable to exist in novels and tales from mama's and married friends

Who have shed tears before you that negate the aforementioned fairytale God sends

Can I be happy

Stripped, naked, bare, breathless, weak, deep, dark, full of secrets

Secrets of love untapped

I feel empty. Full. Want more and afraid of the abyss that one must fall into to feel it

There is light and infinite heavenly space and stars and joy that robs the seeker of consciousness

Yet I wonder

Why would I endeavor to do

What I have already don e

So many times

That when I count

The names, scenarios

They run together into

Only one man

Same man

And he never calls

Or writes

To say

Baby

Please

Take

Me

Again