happiness...

gotta get myself some of that.

thankfulness...

i am thankful for my life, God's overwhelming presence in said life, my wonderful network of true friends, my family, a roof over my head, and food to put in my belly.

i am thankful for President Barack Obama and his beautiful family and God's covering over therm.

i am thankful for the work i am blessed to do and the others like me who believe in what they have been called by God to do.

i am thankful for those who don't think that shopping is a reason to trample someone to death or shoot them to buy overpriced gifts that have nothing to do with the season of Christmas.

i am thankful for to many people and events in my life to name, some good, some not so; however in both instances i became the woman that i am today because of them and that is reason enough to be not only thankful but grateful & blessed.

walk in the light sojourners...
dee

on being a big girl...

i was watching this show called Ruby on Style network. this woman is "morbidly obese" as many doctors say i am. i have health issues, not those typically related to obesity, but my several doctors always relate them to my weight. i know why i gained the weight and it is not because i am greedy, lack self control or willpower. conversely, i don't care to share the inner reason for my outward expression...at least not now.

i'm no idiot. unlike people who brag about their intelligence and use big words and talk about art and politics all the time, i actually do have a high iq and don't have anything to prove to anyone about my capabilities. but as usual, i am getting off topic...i don't need anyone to espouse the virtues of weight loss and good health. i know. yet i marvel at the willingness of others to remind me of the cross i bear outwardly...when i have no clue what crosses they bear in the innermost chambers of their hearts and minds...and even if i could see those things that my loved ones or even strangers must wrestle with each day...i know me and i would NEVER use their faults, weaknesses, or difficulties as way to relate to them or degrade them.

as i was saying, i watched this woman whose boyfriend left her because she hadn't lost the weight. he was embarrassed to be seen with her and told her that if she lost weight, he would have married her. i totally identified...i thought about a man I met recently, a Birmingham bar regular, who told me that thought he found me sexy and smart, he had never been attracted to a "big girl." i haven't talked to him since. there have been many who want to come to visit me (and i don't screw them - i'm celibate {there's a secret for u})and we have fun, good conversation and even heated make out sessions. however, when i see them out - they are cold, detached, whatever, just not so in to me.

i watched Ruby's friends and heard them say, "we hope she loses the weight this time." i identify. my friends and family were somewhat pleased when i shrunk down from a size 28 to a 12 and equally appalled when i rounded back up to an 18/20. i have struggled with my weight since i was ten. ten.

i have been called un-Godly names by family, friends, and strangers alike. i think i am aware of who and what i am and am not, but for some reason, those aforementioned seem to feel compelled to remind me - constantly. in fact, as i was typing this and listening to good gospel music to uplift and magnify His name, i was called an told to go look for a treadmill to be a Christmas present...loving and demoralizing at the same time.

anyway...

may God's blessings reign down on each of you and those hidden things be healed in your lives as i pray that my very obvious thorn(and the hidden roots) be reconciled in His name...

a poem

She sees dark daytime skies

Cool wintry raindrops falling

And feels beautiful

On the inside

And not alone

But solid in her solidarity

Palpable is the warmth she feels

Strong is the beating of life within her chest

Between her thighs

And it seems so strange

So foreign that it takes nothing

No one to validate this

Completeness…

Is it a temporary self satisfaction -

Found in the death of one year

And the impending birth of the new

Whatever

It is…

It is a covetous sensation

So engrossing that one would not want

To release it

Or share it

And instead escape into the quiet

Of this pseudo-symbiotic

Makeshift place of internal joy

It is fleeting

She knows

And can slip through her hands like

Wind passing through autumn pillaged trees

Sirens blare in the distance

And people babble in the same language, but say nothing

All around her

But it means nothing

Interrupts nothing

Time is merely numbers spinning on their axis

Of no consequence

At this moment

The sensation still reverberates though her

So alive right now

So real right now

And she prays
for a little more time

To just be this way

Loving

Herself

thinking crazy thoughts...as usual

i might say too much if i write tonite, so i'll do this another day...

agape is real, if nothing else is

the world is changing before my eyes. Obama.

i think that is enough to say about that, for now, but in my own microcosm - my job, my family, my friends, etc., there is an unsettling disconnect. i see the best people i know - loving, sincere, intelligent, giving folks who are struggling with every issue of life. that disturbs me. i told God how i feel and i know He hears me. that's all i can do about that and with faith that is enough.

so then there is work. i am pouring myself into my job and it seems like it is never enough for me. i meet mediocre standards, but i have finally realized that there is more that i can do, the organization should be doing, and definitely more that i must do for the disenfranchised masses right here in bham. i am the change that i want to see. yet, beyond my semi-self righteous do gooder attitude, save the world, peace, love and happiness sentimentality ( i joke on myself, but i am so serious), there is still an area outside of my spiritual, intellectual, artistic, financial, and professional growth in which i lack any direction or common sense...

romance, love, sex, dating, courtship...whatever the complex dance is called that men and women (and other assorted combinations of the sexes) engage in - just plain fucking befuddle me. and that is even an untrue statement, because i understand the complexity part, i just can't rationalize why it is so hard to connect with someone.

for the sake of knowledge: there are four love tasks: 1) to attract a mate; 2) to retain the mate; 3) to reproduce; and 4) parental investment. the primary love styles are: Eros - Love at first sight, based on physical attributes and mostly physical arousal; Storge - loving affection that develops over time and consists primarily of affection and commitment; Ludos - a rover and collector of loves, very pluralistic(i won't call his one what it really is...).

also there are the secondary love styles: Mania - intense preoccupation with the loved one, intense jealousy and possessiveness, need of constant reassurance of their partner's love. they project their own desired qualities on their partner (i don't believe this is a secondary style, but i am not a PhD yet...); Pragma - looking for a compatible partner; & Agape - selfless, caring without self interest (interestingly enough the best love, God's love is listed last - and in His infinite wisdom and understanding He said "the first shall be last...").

back to my over analyzing azz, i can't understand men. they say literally - i am too sexual, not freaky enough, too willing to please, too distant, too eager, too disengaged. i am bored of the games even though my daddy told me when i was twenty one years old that i was either going to play the game or get played. he hasn't lied to me yet. i want to just get into it. love someone with reckless abandon. smile when i hear his voice. feel my heart leap when our eyes meet. know his heart. hold his secrets and share his triumphs and pain. and i want it all back, reciprocation times 100%. that is what lies, like a 500lb. gorilla, on my heart tonight. tomorrow, however, i may not think about it. i have grad school stuff to complete, kids to help, a fledgling stylist career to boost, inauguration trip plans to make, bills to pay, family to call, & love to give to those who readily receive it. i may not even consider my yearning for someone to share all that i have to offer - fidelity, friendship, honesty, and passion, tomorrow.

i can wait for the fall...but i hope that the wait won't be very, very, very much longer. :)

until the next time i want to share sweethearts...peace & blessings,
dee

अ poem

If I chose you

Would it mean enough to you to be whatever it is that I needed you to be

Or would you choose self deprecating mediocrity as your fortress

As you did while seven and hiding beneath a blanket with a flashlight

If it was not easy

But require you to stop looking at others to tell you what you already know…

That there couldn't ever be another that would endure or securely hold you

And keep from your fear, self-loathing, and silent midnight weeping

So what does it take

To be supportive, submissive, sexual, Sapphic, silent, senseless

To ensure some semblance of relationship-type existence

With a man

And what is a man

A mythical creature, fable to exist in novels and tales from mama's and married friends

Who have shed tears before you that negate the aforementioned fairytale God sends

Can I be happy

Stripped, naked, bare, breathless, weak, deep, dark, full of secrets

Secrets of love untapped

I feel empty. Full. Want more and afraid of the abyss that one must fall into to feel it

There is light and infinite heavenly space and stars and joy that robs the seeker of consciousness

Yet I wonder

Why would I endeavor to do

What I have already don e

So many times

That when I count

The names, scenarios

They run together into

Only one man

Same man

And he never calls

Or writes

To say

Baby

Please

Take

Me

Again

one is the lonliest number. lol!

sometimes i feel like a butterfly - beautiful, light as air, and a creature that developed from something that was once not so pretty. today i think i am back in that cocoon, even though there is so much real beauty all around me. my president, our president Barack Hussein Obama. the hope, the history - it is palatable, i can feel the energy buzzing through me like electrical currents...my friends ask me if i've had a drink when i begin to express how i feel about nov. 4, 2008. i remind them that i am a heart person. i pour forth with reckless abandon and deal with the consequences later. but that wasn't my original thought. i wanted to discuss the cocoon issue. i am relatively successful, intelligent, progressive, loved by friends and some family. i have God in me, around me, and holding me up when i believe, truly believe that i have nothing left. those currents, that have plagued me and made me somewhat disagreeable are here, i just realized so that i know that i am alive. there is work for me to do. many stories to share. i hope that you will endeavor to take this cathartic journey with me.

peace and blessings,
dee