i was watching this show called Ruby on Style network. this woman is "morbidly obese" as many doctors say i am. i have health issues, not those typically related to obesity, but my several doctors always relate them to my weight. i know why i gained the weight and it is not because i am greedy, lack self control or willpower. conversely, i don't care to share the inner reason for my outward expression...at least not now.
i'm no idiot. unlike people who brag about their intelligence and use big words and talk about art and politics all the time, i actually do have a high iq and don't have anything to prove to anyone about my capabilities. but as usual, i am getting off topic...i don't need anyone to espouse the virtues of weight loss and good health. i know. yet i marvel at the willingness of others to remind me of the cross i bear outwardly...when i have no clue what crosses they bear in the innermost chambers of their hearts and minds...and even if i could see those things that my loved ones or even strangers must wrestle with each day...i know me and i would NEVER use their faults, weaknesses, or difficulties as way to relate to them or degrade them.
as i was saying, i watched this woman whose boyfriend left her because she hadn't lost the weight. he was embarrassed to be seen with her and told her that if she lost weight, he would have married her. i totally identified...i thought about a man I met recently, a Birmingham bar regular, who told me that thought he found me sexy and smart, he had never been attracted to a "big girl." i haven't talked to him since. there have been many who want to come to visit me (and i don't screw them - i'm celibate {there's a secret for u})and we have fun, good conversation and even heated make out sessions. however, when i see them out - they are cold, detached, whatever, just not so in to me.
i watched Ruby's friends and heard them say, "we hope she loses the weight this time." i identify. my friends and family were somewhat pleased when i shrunk down from a size 28 to a 12 and equally appalled when i rounded back up to an 18/20. i have struggled with my weight since i was ten. ten.
i have been called un-Godly names by family, friends, and strangers alike. i think i am aware of who and what i am and am not, but for some reason, those aforementioned seem to feel compelled to remind me - constantly. in fact, as i was typing this and listening to good gospel music to uplift and magnify His name, i was called an told to go look for a treadmill to be a Christmas present...loving and demoralizing at the same time.
anyway...
may God's blessings reign down on each of you and those hidden things be healed in your lives as i pray that my very obvious thorn(and the hidden roots) be reconciled in His name...
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2 comments:
How do you manage self love and self improvement at the same time? That's the question I've been asking what now seems my whole life. I too have been struggling with my weight since 10. I took Karate, rode skateboards and bmx, did step aerobics, went on every diet imaginable and watched my weight climb from 240 as a senior in high school to 420 now. I've had women tell me that If I lost weight that they would love for me to ask them out. I've never been called fine - only cute. Always been admired for my intellect, whit, charm and gentlemanly way. I've dated women large and small - both types have had self love and self hate. What I have discovered is that my weight is not who I am, but a reflection of what I do - lack of exercise - bad food etc... But, I separate that from my relationships if I can. When it comes down to it, I tell people - This is who I am today. In the future it MAY be different, but If you can't love me now, don't love me later.
you r a down brutha and i totally identify with u. keep pushing and be continually blessed. you r not alone. : )
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